Control
by Kagami Sorciere
Summary: They pound at her head, the Darkness, her demons, she lashes out, but no one can understand. They can't see what she sees, feel what she feels, they're closing in, and she can't escape, but when she finally flees to the outside... [[This is a former one-shot based on a song that I swear will be Rey's theme for episode 8. PREPARE FOR THE ANGST INSANITY TRAIN!]]
1. Chapter 1

'Control'  
(Halsey)

"They send me away to find them a fortune  
A chest filled with diamonds and gold  
The house was awake  
With shadows and monsters  
The hallways they echoed and groaned

I sat alone, in bed 'til the morning  
I'm crying, "They're coming for me"  
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me  
My mind's like a deadly disease

I'm bigger than my body  
I'm colder than this home  
I'm meaner than my demons  
I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out,  
"Please stop, you're scaring me"  
I can't help this awful energy  
Goddamn right, you should be scared of me!  
Who is in control?

I paced around for hours, on empty  
I jumped at the slightest of sounds  
And I couldn't stand the person inside me  
I turned all the mirrors around

I'm bigger than my body  
I'm colder than this home  
I'm meaner than my demons  
I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out,  
"Please stop, you're scaring me"  
I can't help this awful energy  
Goddamn right, you should be scared of me!  
Who is in control?

I'm well acquainted  
With villains that live in my bed  
They beg me to write them  
So they'll never die when I'm dead

And I've grown familiar  
With villains that live in my head  
They beg me to write them  
So I'll never die when I'm dead

I'm bigger than my body  
I'm colder than this home  
I'm meaner than my demons  
I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out,  
"Please stop, you're scaring me"  
I can't help this awful energy  
Goddamn right, you should be scared of me!  
Who is in control?

AND ALL THE KIDS CRIED OUT,  
"PLEASE STOP, YOU'RE SCARING ME"  
I CAN'T HELP THIS AWFUL ENERGY  
GODDAMN RIGHT, YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME!  
WHO IS IN CONTROL?"

Rey stumbled quickly through the Resistance base, tears streaming down her face that she couldn't stop. Her hand flew up to grip her head as she looked around at nothing in a panic. "Why won't it stop? _Why won't it stop?!"_ she screamed in her mind. She was nearly at the hatch that was her escape when a hand reached up and grabbed at her other arm. She hissed and struck violently at it almost like a reflex as she turned on her heel to send daggers with her eyes at whoever dared to touch her. The attack was quick but effective as the perpetrator pulled away with a loud sound of pain. It was Finn.

"What the hell, Rey?" he said, shocked. He looked at her and paused in mid protest. Her eyes…they were nearly on fire. "Rey?" he said, anger replaced with concern. Slowly, he stepped closer to her but she retreated.

"Don't." she said warningly, her tone contrasting with the murderous look in her eyes as she looked at her friend. She hated, couldn't _stand_ , the look of compassion on his face.

"Rey, are you ok? What's going on with you?" he nearly whispered, shaking his head as he looked at her with nothing but love. Rey said nothing. She stood there, seething.

She watched as Finn slowly raised up his hand, and just as it got close enough to touch her face, she slapped it, hard, away from her. "I SAID DON'T!" she screamed, and, spinning back around, she hit the door control and sprinted into the wilds of the planet.

"REY!" she could hear him call behind her, but it might as well have been a bird or blaster fire or the sun burning. She ran, as fast as she could, as the voices and the thoughts swirled around in her head.

' _Come back!'_

' _Stay here. I'll come back for you. I'll come back, sweetheart. I promise.'_

' _I'm here! Right here! Where are you?'_

' _You'd imagine an ocean…'_

' _Sentiment. Such a simple thing. Such a foolish error of judgement.'_

' _Bring the girl to_ me.'

Rey cried out. She screamed and she screamed. " _Why_ is this happening to me?!" she shrieked, clutching at her head, squeezing it as if she might shatter her own skull and relieve herself of all the pain and anger and violence bombarding her, when in front of her a twig snapped. She gasped and her hand was instantly at her lightsaber.

" _You?!"_ she cried, face contorted in pain and confusion.

Kylo Ren stood several feet away from her, helmet gone, unarmed, with a single thin, pink scar running from his brow to the side of his right cheek. He remained unmoved, staring at her.

" _How?!"_ she continued, breath stuttering from all the crying and the running. Slowly, he began to walk towards her. She unlatched her weapon and pressed the switched, the blue of the saber lighting up her face but it didn't stop him. He kept coming.

"Stop!" she screamed.

The light shown off of her wet cheeks as she waved the weapon before her, as if it were a torch that could ward off the darkness already enveloping her, but he never looked away, never broke eye contact with her, and he was just feet away.

"I SAID STOP!" she shrieked, and when his steady pace brought him just near enough, she took a swing, a wild strike down to the left, and as her body followed through with the movement and her miss connected with the ground, he moved. He was like lightening, and suddenly he was looming over her. He grabbed at her hands, holding them downward, as he pried the weapon out of her hands and flicked the weapon off.

"NO!" she wailed. "NO! NO! NO!" and as he wretched the weapon out of her grasp, he threw it out of her reach. She wept, repeating her protest over and over, and as she collapsed to the ground she felt as an arm swept around her waist and guided her to the forest floor rather than let her fall, and soon arms were around her, warm, and unerringly tight.

"Shh," he hushed. "I heard you. For weeks, I've heard you." She wept in his arms, face pressed against his chest, no longer caring who it was or why it might've been bad. He brushed her tangled hair away from her face- wet with her tears it stuck to her skin.

"What _is_ this?!" she got out between sobs, hand gripping the front of his tunic. She felt his chest rise and fall with a sigh. "I…it's so much. So much pain. I want to…" she thought, trying to calm her breath. Her nails dug into him. "I want to destroy _all_ of it," she finished. Kylo closed his eyes briefly before opening them again to look down at her, caressing her shaking arm with his thumb.

"I know," he said softly, running his fingers gently across her cheek. "I know."

She began sobbing again, and he loosened his embrace slightly as he felt her hands clutch onto the fabric of his clothing more firmly. He held her close as she cried, and suddenly she pulled up, her hand gripping his shoulder, and she buried her face in his neck. He could feel it, her tears soaking through his tunic, her breath against his skin, and he cradled her, not bothering to stop her. His face morphed into a familiar kind of pain.

"Sometimes," he began quietly. "the only way you feel you can stop it is if you force it to stop."

Suddenly, her crying ceased. He let her pull away from him, and her eyes that looked up, red-rimmed in a thousand tears and shot through with a pain he had suffered, he felt, his entire life, bore so innocently into his that he felt a streak of something wet slip from his own eye. He brushed a thumb against her cheek, trying to clear it all away.

"You know?" she asked simply. She sounded so childlike.

' _It isn't her strength that is making you fail._ _**It is your weakness.**_ '

Silently, he closed his eyes and nodded yes, looking at her again. He rested his hand against her chin.

"Come with me."

* * *

 **A/N:** _All dialogue in single quotations are from the TFA novel, which makes them canon. How can it possibly get better? Hope you guys enjoyed it._


	2. Chapter 2

" _Come with me."_

Rey felt so tired, and she felt her head shake 'no' in response to his request, but all the same, she slumped forward again, wrapping an arm over his shoulder, as she leaned her forehead against his throat. His hands found their way around to her back and her waist and he pulled her forward, between his knees as they knelt on the forest floor, and he held her firmly against him.

"Ok…" he acquiesced quietly, and he exhaled, looking up at the tree-topped sky as he felt her relax. Several minutes passed like this, pressed against each other, her face hidden against him, as the breeze blew through the leaves. While his grip never wavered, his found himself engrossed with a stray strand of her hair and he played with it absently between his fingers. His cheek was pressed lightly against her temple and her hand slipped down the side of his body to rest on his thigh. He felt a shiver pass through him that brought him back to attention and his arm slid down her back as she lifted away in turn. He looked down at her as she sat back on her heels and her face was red and blotchy from her tears. His expression was blank aside from the slight knit of his brows and he cupped her face between his hands and gently, with his thumbs, attempted to wipe away the wetness. She seemed lost, her eyes boring into his chest instead of looking him in the eye, and he felt the need to embrace her again but instead continued to caress her face. His thumbs curved down and around her cheek and, bending a finger forward, he carefully traced the space beneath her eyes thinking to catch any more tears that might fall, but soon his fingertips were brushing against her forehead and slowly running down the length of her face. His thumbs passed over her eyebrows and he could feel his own eyes soften. A twinge of surprise struck him when he saw her close her eyes and watched as her muscles relaxed, and his fingertip traced down the length of her nose, brushing down its slope to curve around her mouth and he could swear, almost imperceptibly, that he could feel her lean into his touch. His breath caught in his throat and he dropped his hands to her shoulders.

Slowly, she opened her eyes, her coloring nearly returned to her, and she looked up at him. He didn't know what to make of her expression. It appeared blank, but…

"Did you do this?" she asked quietly, calmly.

"Do what?" he replied, momentarily lost. In his mind, he was still tracing the contours of her face.

"Put this darkness into my head," she said, looking up at him.

His face flickered briefly with disgust. " _No,"_ he whispered. Her expression was unchanged until, slowly, a sad smile began to spread across her face.

"Why do I not believe you?" she said lightly, still smiling.

His look of disgust came back, tinting his features as he gripped her shoulders. He narrowed his eyes. "Why would I ever inflict what's in my soul on another person?" he quickly confessed. Realizing what he said, he pulled back some, his eyes taking up their guarded expression again. "It's enough there is already one person in the universe made to carry that fate."

Rey's smile, which had been growing progressively stranger as she listened, finally vanished. She dropped her head and covered her face with her hands. "What am I supposed to do?" she asked in a muffled voice.

Kylo felt himself take in a breath. "I can train you," he stated firmly. "Try to show you how to control it."

Rey looked up, eyes peeking over her fingertips as they shown with nothing but hopeless sorrow. He held the side of her face with his hand and pulled her gently to look at him as he spoke. "It won't be perfect, I don't know how to do perfect. But it will be something. Enough to let you sleep most nights and not harm those around you."

His hands dropped away from her face as his eyes stared strongly into hers and she felt a sigh escape her lips. "Then why do I feel so calm around you?" she nearly whimpered, and Kylo blinked back, pulling his head slightly away but refusing to drop his hand from her face. As he thought about her words, he hadn't realized it at the time but he felt a strange stillness around her as well.

He frowned. "I don't know," he confessed. His hand dropped to where her neck and shoulder met and his eyes unfocused as he looked toward the ground. "I've been able to hear you. For weeks, your tortured thoughts through the force." He shook his head. "I thought you were simply just broadcasting, somehow, but the Supreme Leader never gave any hint that he could hear you."

Rey gasped, and he could feel her pull away from him. His eyes shot up to her face. " _Snoke?_ " she hissed. He started to panic.

"No, no!" he protested, holding out his hands, trying to convey with his face what he felt he couldn't with words. _Please don't run. It's not what you think._ He watched as she relaxed slightly, a grimace still marring her features

"I took leave, to see if I could find you. It didn't seem like you would ever stop," he tried to explain.

"Leave?" she asked incredulously.

He looked at her levelly, a sense of authority in his eyes. "I can go where I want."

Rey frowned but tried to level her breathing again which he watched with guardedly hopeful eyes. He continued. "They're preoccupied looking for the Resistance base. Until they find it, they don't need me, so I came to find you."

Rey shook her head. "But this _is_ the Resistance—" she blurted out, and slapped a hand over her mouth. She watched as Kylo tensed. Suddenly, he was the predator in the room again, and she could see the curve of his muscles through the thin fabric of his sleeves. She glanced up at his eyes and watched them steel over before being overcome with annoyance. His entire face morphed into a mix of despair and frustration as he shook his head to the side and turned his face away from her. She watched as he took a moment before turning back to her, his head hanging between them as his hand still rested on the crook of her neck.

"It doesn't matter," she heard him croak out, hair hanging down shielding his face.

"What do you mean?" she asked timidly. She felt as his grip tightened on her.

"It means I don't care. I'll still help you."

Rey looked at his downcast head skeptically. "Why…why would you do that?"

He shook his head, still staring down at the space between them. "Because it wasn't found fairly. It doesn't merit reporting." he concluded, raising back up to look at her. His hair hung over his eyes as he looked at her and she felt an unfamiliar sensation pass through her as she looked at him.

"So you won't tell the First Order?"

He gritted his teeth, pressing his lips together, before letting his hand slip away from her. "No," he said. His tone sounded defeated.

They sat there facing each other, her knees tucked between his as they both sat back on their heels in silence. She stole quick glances at him as he sat, hair in disarray, staring at a particular spot on the ground. Suddenly, his eyes flashed up at her, and although she couldn't tell for certain, she knew he was looking at her. He swallowed.

"There is something…" he said, and he watched her from the corner of his eyes. He rose up on his knees before her and watched as she gasped at the closeness as he loomed over her. He slowed down and, carefully taking her face between his hands, he tilted up her head to look at him. She could see him clearly from this position, the curtain of hair admitting her full view, and as she looked up, she could see a slight and bewildered smile on his face as his fingers ran down her cheek again. She openly shuddered this time, her eyes closing, and she could hear a low laugh. She looked back up and scowled. With the agility of a cat, he rolled back down to her, spine curving to keep him close as they reached roughly eye level again and he examined her face thoughtfully. He could feel her displeased expression but somehow knew it was only for show.

"I don't know how…" he began, his fingertips finally resting at her chin, "but there appears to be some sort of link between us. Something that connects us, oh….through so many light years of distance." His thoughtful curiosity morphed into a considered frown. "I think that's why I could hear you."

Rey listened closely, but for some reason she found his breath on her lips distracting. "A link?" she asked, looking him in the eye. He nodded. "How?" she continued.

He pressed his lips together and her eyes flickered to watch the motion as he rolled back and sat away from her, his hands pulling away to cross over his chest. "That would be the question."

The warmth that left her when he pulled away surprised her and she blinked. _Did he notice, too?_ she wondered absently at the back of her mind, while the front of her mind dealt with more important things like her slipping sanity and this apparent connection between them.

"Are you cold?" he asked suddenly. Her eyes shot up in abject surprise.

"What?" she asked, her brow arched. He leaned back some, not expecting that reaction. He thought carefully for a moment, not sure how to respond, when he decided to just ask the question again.

"Are you cold?" he asked again awkwardly.

Rey looked at him and tried to shake herself out of it. "A-A bit…yes, actually."

She watched as he leaned back and snatched his fallen cloak from the forest floor and rose to his feet. He turned away from her and shook it out before turning back, walking up to her, and draping it across her shoulders. Taking a couple steps back, he resumed his previous position in front of her as he watched with a slight grin as she pulled it snuggly around her shoulders. She noticed his expression.

"What?" she inquired.

His grin widened and he tilted his head to the side. "It can't be easy, going from a desert world like Jakku, hot and dry and tedious with sand, to cold places like space and the moisture-filled air of antiquated forests like this."

Her disapproving expression faded as she pulled on the cloak further, settling into it. "No," she agreed. "But I love it," she said, looking up at the canopy covering them above and back down at him, unable to hide a smile of her own. She was surprised when he smiled back.

"Do you feel this feeling right now?" he asked, looking more serious but still keeping his pleasant demeanor. Slowly she nodded.

"For now, whenever you feel it close in on you…the darkness…" he watched as Rey's eyes seemed to revert back to how they once were.

"To be honest," he diverted. "I'm not sure if it's truly the dark side. It seems more like a…a tainted blackness over the dark side that seeps in. I don't know what causes it, but…"

She was looking at him sadly again and he shook his head. "Go back to how you were just now, looking up at the trees, at all of the green….memorize it, encapsulate it, and whenever you feel it again, pull it to you and wrap yourself in it."

She looked at him and he could see the skepticism in her eyes. Frowning, he nudged her thigh with his knee. "Go on. Try it."

Clutching his cloak, she closed her eyes, reached for it, and when she did, the wind blew through the trees and the hiss of the leaves encircled her, a soft smile quickly coming into her face. Sensing a successful shift in mood, he nodded as she opened her eyes again. "Well done. Just like that."

She smiled at him, and then tilted her head in study. "Is this what you do?" she asked. His head moved up a little as he looked down at her. "Sometimes," he confessed.

"And it works?"

"Not always."

There was a pause as she thought carefully about it, and absently began to pick at a stray fiber of the cloak. She looked up. "What do you do _then?"_

Kylo's jaw set into place and he sighed, his eyes becoming more serious. "It depends. Whatever happens usually isn't my best moment." He looked up as the canopy wavered above them and noticed that the light was beginning to fade from the sky.

"The sun is setting," Rey suddenly said, and they looked at each other, surprise on both their faces at her comment.

"Yes," he said carefully. "I was just thinking that."

They stared at each other a moment longer before Rey sighed and slumped down. "That's weird."

Kylo looked around himself and seemed to bob his head in agreement. He rose to his feet, and Rey suddenly saw a hand extended in her direction. She looked up at him and, slipping her small hand into his larger one, took it, and hoisted herself up off of the ground, the cloak pooling at her feet around her. Her slim frame was virtually swamped by it, Kylo noted with amusement, and he raised his hands to pull at the clasp around her throat.

"Hey!" Rey protested.

He stopped, his lip quirking up at her. "You want to return to the Resistance wearing my things?"

She frowned suddenly, forgetting. And then it occurred to her- Kylo Ren, The First Order. This man….she looked up at him, and her eyes traced the thin scar running down his face as his fingers worked at the clasp. _I did that._ He glanced at her suddenly but said nothing.

Finally free of the heavy fabric, he whipped it away from her and settled it over his own shoulders. She watched as it draped around him, perfectly fitted, perfectly suited to his tall and well proportioned form. Absently, without thinking, she took a corner of it that had rolled up upon its donning and turned it flat again. Before she'd realized what she'd done, the moment was over and her hand was back at her side. He looked down at her seriously as she nervously gazed up.

"So is this it? You're leaving then?"

He seemed to think about it for a moment before taking in a breath. "No," he replied simply. "I came to look for you."

She raised her eyebrows and smiled flatly at him. "Well, you found me."

His expression unchanged, he nodded. "I did."

"And you won't tell them what's here?"

"No."

Silence. The shadows around the trees were long now and the sky was growing dark. Lights could be seen from the nearby base and Rey ran a hand up her arm now chilled with small bumps.

"I'll be here," he said finally.

She looked up at him and nodded. With a quick smile, she turned and headed back to the base.

* * *

 **A/N:** _So I spent all day in starbucks trying to write for "PREY" which was thoroughly unproductive, and just to feel a bit better about all the hours I've wasted today, I decided to post one of the chapters I've been hoarding for this story._

 _Don't let the fluff fool you!_

 _This isn't supposed to be a bunnies and rainbows story (even if I prefer happier endings). I don't know how often this'll get updated since it's not a high priority, but if you'd like to come along for the ride, I send you my thanks. :)_


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